Unnatural Behaviour
by Ace Trax
Summary: Daria and Jane check into Fawlty Towers, a hotel in England. They have to spend a night in the wedding suite. When certain secrets are revealed, the hotel manager Basil Fawlty suffers from a severe nervous breakdown.
1. 1

INTRODUCTION:   
This is a crossover in which meets Fawlty Towers.   
For those unfamiliar with the TV-series Fawlty Towers:   
Fawlty Towers is a little hotel in the middle of Torquay at the south coast of England. It is run by one of the most notorious and neurotic hotel manager of the world: Basil Fawlty.   
The reason, why he never gets fired, is because he owns the place along with his wife Sybil Fawlty. Although she is frustrated of his psychopathic tendencies, she still hangs on to him and keeps the hotel in business, with the help of Polly, a young waitress and housekeeper, and Manuel, a Spanish waiter and a punching bag for the short-tempered Mr. Fawlty. 

AUTHOR'S NOTES:   
Although the TV-series Fawlty Towers takes place in the 1970's, it's humorous qualities are simply TIMELESS.   
So I have took the liberty to transmogrify the whole setting into the 2000's.   
The story is rated PG-13. Because it contains material which is not suitable for minors. Further Spanish speaking minorities get beaten up.   
If you want to know more about Fawlty Towers and if you want to see some fanart, then go to: 


	2. 2

Daria and Jane are engaged in an epic struggle against the Dark Side of the Sarcasm. 

U n n a t u r a l B e h a v i o u r. 

EXT. FAWLTY TOWERS – LATER AFTERNOON   
_It is an idyllic day at Fawlty Towers, a little hotel in the middle of Torquay in England_

POLLY VOICE OVER:   
Mr. Fawlty it isn't my fault! 

BASIL VOICE OVER:   
Well then, whose fault is it? 

POLLY VOICE OVER: _(pause)_   
No, you are right. It is my fault. 

VOICE OF BASIL: _(enraged)_   
MANUEL!!! Where is he! I am going to insert this big   


_THE CAMERA PANS TO:_   
_A sign, with leads to the hotel, consisting the hotel's name. But instead of:_   
FAWLTY TOWERS   
_It says:_   
WYLEF WAR TOT 

_A car pulls up._

DARIA VOICE OVER:   
Wylef war tot? Wylef was dead? I didn't knew that German Tourists would come to this place. 

JANE VOICE OVER:   
Why not? After all they are Germans. 

_The car stops in front of the hotel entrance._   
_Daria and Jane with their backpacks get out._   
_Vincent Lane (Jane's father), who is at the steering wheel, talks to them._

VINCENT:   
Well this is the place where you can stay the night. And tomorrow I show you the recently discovered Celtic rock formation of Torquay. 

JANE:   
I can't wait to see the new rival of Stonehenge. Bye Dad. 

VINCENT:   
Bye Jane. Bye Daria 

DARIA:_ (mutters)_   
Bye. 

_Daria stays mute, as she watches how the car leaves the hotel._

JANE:   
Is it just me, or were you staring at him during the ride? 

DARIA:   
What? 

JANE:   
You were comparing him to Trent, weren't you? 

DARIA:   
I hate you. 

_Jane smirks and they both enter._

INT. FAWTY TOWERS – RECEPTION LOBBY – EVENING   
_Sybil Fawlty, a blonde middle-aged women, is doing some paperwork at the reception desk._   
_She notice Daria and Jane._

DARIA AND JANE:   
Good afternoon. 

SYBIL: _(little pause and smiles)_   
Good afternoon, you must be Americans. 

DARIA: _(deadpan)_   
Oh dear, has it shown again? 

JANE: _(trying to sound more Oxford-English)_   
Please forgive the insolence of my companion. But there were several occurrences since our arrival in the United Kingdom, in which locals uncover our national heritage due our lingual pronunciations. 

DARIA:   
Your vocabulary expansion tapes really did pay off. 

SYBIL: _(remaining polite)_   
Excuse me. I don't mind to displease you 

JANE:   
Never mind only joking. We would like to book 2 single rooms for 2 nights please. 

SYBIL:   
I am sorry. We have got no single rooms left at the moment. We are almost booked out.   
_(she takes a look at the board behind her)_   
Well there is only one double room with a bath left 

JANE:   
That is fine. 

SYBIL:   
But there is double bed. You don't mind to share it? 

JANE:   
_(to Sybil Fawlty)_   
I don't see any problems. I mean:   
_(to Daria)_   
Since we both are like sisters. 

DARIA:   
Which is bizarre, when you ever have met my real sister. 

_Suddenly Sybil's mobile telephone start to ring._

SYBIL:   
Excuse me for a moment.   
_(she speaks into the mobile)_   
Sybil Fawlty speaking oh dear oh dear oh I know oh I know   
_(to Jane and Daria)_   
Excuse me for a moment.   
_(loud)_   
BASIL! 

VOICE OVER BASIL   
Yes dear? 

SYBIL:   
Would you please deal with our new customers. 

_Basil Fawlty, a very tall dark haired man with a moustache, enters form the dining room. He holds a huge cactus in his hands._

BASIL:_ (sarcastic)_   
Certainly Dear! Anything else? Like writing a concerto or reconstructing a roman temple? 

SYBIL:   
Just take care of them Basil. They are in room 12. 

_She walks with her mobile phone into the office behind the reception desk and closes the door._   
_Basil Fawlty walks behind the desk puts down the cactus and observe the two young ladies._   
_Noticing that they are back-packers, and not that kind of people he usually want to attract to his hotel. He visible struggles against his arrogance._

BASIL: _(trying to be friendly)_   
How long you want to stay? 

JANE:   
2 nights. 

BASIL: _(moves a book towards them)_   
That would be room 12 for 2 nights, please sign here. 

_Daria and Jane put down their signatures._

BASIL: _(glancing at the entries)_   
Excuse me!   
Ms. *Daria* *Morgendorffer*? Ms. *Jane* *Lane*?   
I think you should know, that it is common practise in the hotel culture, that people sign with their *own* names. 

_Daria and Jane look at each other._   
_Both sight and put down signatures again._

BASIL: _(glancing at the entries and is satisfied)_   
Okay:   
Ms. Christina Aguillera and Ms. Britney Spears.   
Right, that didn't hurt much, did it? 

_He turns to the key board behind him, but then turns back slowly, glaring at them._   
_He must have realise that he heard those names before in the context of mainstream pop._

_Daria and Jane pull out their passports._

DARIA:   
Blame our parents. 

JANE:   
Do you want a DNA-sample too? 

_Both stretch their passports to Basil Fawlty, showing him their *real* names._   
_Annoyed he looks at them._

BASIL: _(highly sarcastic)_   
*Excuse* *me* my previous impertinence. I *failed* to consider that you are *Americans.* 

_He turns back to the key board._

DARIA: _(whispers to Jane)_   
Now I understand, why the youth hostel was booked out. 

_Basil Fawlty turns back with a key._

BASIL: _(bangs the hotel desk bell)_   
Manuel!   
_(to Daria and Jane)_   
I pledge you in advance to forgive him for any future inadequacies. But he is from Barcelona.   
_(shouts into the dinning room)_   
MANUEL! 

_A small man (nearly as short like Daria) with dark hair and a dark moustache, dressed in a white waiters suit, enters the lobby and rubs his behind, due a previous cactus attack._

MANUEL:   
Que? 

BASIL: _(worst Spanish)_   
Por favor traya los estospetates dos autostoppistilleras en la habitstacion numero doze. 

MANUEL:   
Que? 

BASIL: _(worst Spanish louder)_   
*Trayo* los *estospetates* dos *autostoppistilleras* en la habitstacion numero *doze*. 

MANUEL:   
It is impossible. 

BASIL: _(threatening with worst Spanish)_   
Look Manuel, it is perfectly simple:   
*TRAYO* los *ESTOSPETATES* dos *AUTOSTOPPISTILLERAS* en la habitstacion numero *DOZE*. 

_Manuel starts to wimp. But before any drama can unfold, Jane saves the situation._

JANE: _(fine Spanish with an American accent)_   
No escuche ese crédulo detrás del mostrador; demuéstrenos la manera al cuarto doce, por favor. 

MANUEL: _(smiles)_   
Ahhh! You are Americans! 

_Daria and Jane roll their eyes at each others, while Manuel grabs their backpacks._

MANUEL:   
You do speak Spanish very good. Please follow me! Follow me! 

_Basil glares at them while they walk upstairs._   
_Sybil comes out the office and is gets her car keys out of her handbag._

BASIL:   
Where are you going? 

SYBIL:   
Do you remember Paula? She just gave me a call. Her husband has left her again. So I better look after her, she is in a terrible state. I won't be back before 11 o'clock... 

BASIL:_ (sarcastic)_   
Oh Sybil, your overall kindness really makes Mother Teresa look alike Imelda Marcos. 

SYBIL:   
I have got no time to argue with you. 

_She gets her coat._

BASIL:   
Sybil, why did you let American *Backpackers* check in? 

SYBIL:   
Well this is a *hotel*, dear. And you always wanted to have a more international flair in our guest house. 

BASIL:   
But they are backpackers!   
They are not those kind of high-class clientele, we want to attract.   
I mean what comes next?   
Brazilian globetrotters?   
Rumanian gypsies?   
Tibetan pilgrims?   
Martians invaders?   
_(mocking)_   
Visit Fawlty Towers: The worlds number one for the scum of the world. 

SYBIL: _(smirks)_   
With you now being alone in charge, you certainly can accomplish that goal, dear. 

_Sybil walks out the hotel._

BASIL:_ (loud)_   
Bye, my little joy of life   
_(quiet)_   
Don't drive over any landmines.   
_(Basil Fawlty looks down at the paper, which Daria and Jane just signed)_   
American backpackers phhhhhht. 


	3. 3

_Polly, a young blonde woman, wearing a blue waitress/housekeeper suit, walks down the stairs._

BASIL: _(becomes aware of her)_   
Polly, did you notice our new American guests? 

POLLY:   
Yes, I just met them upstairs. One of them was talking Spanish to Manuel, with an American accent. 

BASIL:   
I hope you are going to treat our US-guests *this time* with respect. 

POLLY: _(smirks)_   
Certainly, I know how to prepare a Waldorf Salad. 

BASIL:   
Don't try to change the subject, you know what I am talking about, young lady. 

_Polly rolls her eyes._

BASIL:   
Once in a lifetime, we had a high ranked US-NATO General as one of our guest, and what have you done? You start to make snide remarks about that war in Iraq. 

POLLY:   
It was only one remark and since he was drunk, he would have forgotten, if you haven't attacked him with a raspberry cake. 

BASIL:   
I slipped: It was the smallest of accidents. Could have occurred anywhere. 

POLLY:   
The military policy had seen it from a different angle. We are lucky, they didn't send you to Guantanamo. 

BASIL:   
Polly! 

POLLY: _(quiet)_   
Well unlucky really. 

BASIL:   
POLLY! Just don't mention the war. 

POLLY:   
Which one? There are so many to choose from. 

BASIL:   
One more word, and you will never work as a waitress in Torquay again! 

_Polly pulls a face behind Basil Fawlty's back. While he examines the key-board._

BASIL:   
Hang on! There must be a mistake. Why would Sybil give those women room number 12? That is the wedding suite. 

POLLY: _(smirks)_   
Maybe they especially demanded it? 

_Basil reacts totally offended._

POLLY: _(sincere, since she knows how Mr. Fawlty feels about that topic)_   
Only a pre-mature joke. It is normal that friends share rooms. 

_Polly walks off into the hotel kitchen._

BASIL: _(mutters)_   
But why the wedding suite? There is only *one* bed. 

_Basil Fawlty's twisted brain started to ponder all possible disgusting things, two persons of the same sex would do alone in a double bed._

BASIL: _(to himself)_   
No! No! No! Polly is right.   
They are only friends who share a room.   
I should be ashamed of myself even assuming such a *filthy*, *dirty*, *nasty*… unnatural behaviour.   
Yuck! Yuck! 

_Basil Fawlty doesn't notice, that Daria and Jane come down the stairs. They stop and stare at him._

BASIL: _(still to himself)_   
Yuck! Yuck! Yuck! Yuck! Yuck! Yuck! 

_He looks up and notice Daria and Jane are giving him an odd look. Mr. Fawlty pauses, thinks and then picks up a dustbin from the floor and start putting newspapers in._

BASIL:   
Yuck! Everywhere filth! All this yucky paper has to go. 

_Daria and Jane walk on to the exit._

BASIL: _(to Daria and Jane)_   
Leaving us already? Is your room not to your satisfaction? 

DARIA:   
No, it is fine. We just have to stretch our legs. 

JANE:   
We need to walk off our jet- and car-lag. 

BASIL:   
Oh, I am so *sorry* I have forgotten to mention before, that dinner will be served from 7.30 till 9. We would be glad to have you as our guest to experience the culinary specialties of Torquay. 

JANE:   
Thank you. 

_Daria and Jane walk on to the exit._

BASIL: _(in a very quiet but sarcastic tone, still audible to Daria and Jane )_   
Unless it doesn't surpasses your budget. 

_Daria stops and turns around._

DARIA:   
Judging from the pile of stones that should be a wall in the garden, the burnout light bulbs in the corridor, the squeaking staircase, the broken room radio and the wide ridiculously use of recently ironed plastic flowers in faked china vases… I may suggest that we should afford such an extravagance, since you need all financial assistance you can get. 

JANE;   
Not to mention that charity is tax-deductible. 

_Both smirk and leave the hotel. Basil Fawlty glares behind them. And waits until they are gone._

BASIL:   
American backpackers phhhhhht.   
__ __

_HOURS LATER:_

INT. WEDDING SUITE – BATH ROOM – NIGHT   
_Daria has her nightshirt on. She is about to put her toothbrush away, when she hears a buzzing noise._

SOUND OF AN ELECTRIC MOTOR:   
BZZZZZZZZZZZZZ 

_It came from the bedroom._

SOUND OF AN ELECTRIC MOTOR:   
BZZZZZZZZZZZZZ 

_It was not an alarm clock._

SOUND OF AN ELECTRIC MOTOR:   
BZZZZZZZZZZZZZ 

_Daria's eyes nearly pop out, when she stares aghast at the door, which leads to the bedroom._   


INT. UPSTAIRS CORRIDOR – NIGHT   
_Basil Fawlty stands on a little stepladder. He has just finished replacing the last burnout light bulb in the corridor. He notices the buzzing noise, which comes from room 12. He becomes suspicious and gets off the ladder. He sneaks to the room 12 and puts his ear at the door._

SOUND OF AN ELECTRIC MOTOR:   
BZZZZZZZZZZZZZ 

DARIA VOICE OVER:   
Jane? 

_The motor stops._

JANE VOICE OVER:   
You can come in Daria. 

DARIA VOICE OVER: _(beat)_   
What is that? 

JANE VOICE OVER:   
Only a little friend of mine. Certainly you have seen me using this before. 

DARIA VOICE OVER:   
Yes... I heard it in the bathroom. It is quite loud. 

JANE VOICE OVER:   
Well, it is antique. Penny left it behind for me. 

DARIA VOICE OVER:   
Eww. 

JANE VOICE OVER: _(offended)_   
Why *Eww*? A lot of women share this with others. 

_Basil Fawlty face starts to turn pale._

DARIA VOICE OVER:   
Well, there was me being peculiar again. 

JANE VOICE OVER:   
Do you want to use it too? You look like you need it despaired. 

DARIA VOICE OVER: _(wary)_   
I never used such a machine before. 

_Basil Fawlty face is pale. He is unable to move._

JANE VOICE OVER:   
You never have? Well every time is a first time. 

DARIA VOICE OVER:   
All right give it to me. 

JANE VOICE OVER:   
Let me do it to you. 

DARIA VOICE OVER:   
No! I can do that alone! 

JANE VOICE OVER:   
Now don't be so shy! I just show you how it is done properly. Just lay back and enjoy. 

_Basil Fawlty face is now as white as a sheet. He starts to look sick._

DARIA VOICE OVER:   
All right. Do your worst. 

JANE VOICE OVER:   
Hey, you are going to like it. Hmm, this reminds me how I did it once to Trent. 

DARIA VOICE OVER:   
To Trent? 

JANE VOICE OVER:   
Well I was 12 and he was asleep. I was a naughty little sister those days. 

SOUND OF AN ELECTRIC MOTOR:   
BZZZZZZZZZZZZZ 

_Basil Fawlty is now sick. He runs to an open broom cupboard and throws up in a bucket._


	4. 4

_CUT TO:_

INT. WEDDING SUITE – BEDROOM – NIGHT   
_Daria lies on the bed, while Jane is applying an electric lady-shave on one of Daria's legs._

SOUND OF THE LADY-SHAVE'S ELECTRIC MOTOR:   
BZZZZZZZZZZZZZ 

_AUTHOR'S NOTE:_   
_;-D_

_Jane finishes and Daria inspects her work._

DARIA:   
I must say this is good. 

JANE: _(teasing her)_   
Now you can wear your skimpy sexy black miniskirt tomorrow. 

DARIA: _(glares at her and then replies)_   
Yeah, I can't wait to seduce you father and become your wicked stepmother. 

JANE: _(rolls her eyes)_   
Sometimes you even freak me out.   


_HALF AN HOUR LATER:_

INT. BASIL'S AND SYBIL'S PRIVAT BEDROOM – NIGHT   
_Basil lies fully dressed on the bed with a damp face towel over his forehead. The room is dark._   
_The door opens and Sybil enters. She switches the light on._

SYBIL:   
I am back Ba... You look so pale, what happened? 

BASIL: _(sick)_   
Women, what have you done? Why did you give those 2 Americans the wedding suite? 

SYBIL:   
It was the only available room left. 

BASIL: _(angry and half sick)_   
With the only available double bed left! 

SYBIL: _(she comprehends his hint)_   
They said: They are *friends*. Close as sisters. They didn't mind sharing one bed. 

BASIL: _(mocking her)_   
Oh yes, friends! Very good friends! Even closer as sisters! Of course they don't mind sharing one bed. 

SYBIL:   
You are not implying, that they:   
_(beat)_   
"Swing the other way". 

BASIL: _(highly sarcastic)_   
Oh! OH! "Swing the other way"! OH, aren't we majestic today!   
To call them homosexual is not good enough for us eh?   
Lesbians, queens, lezzy, queer, gay, pansy, bent, poof, ponces and woofters. That is not, what we call them!   
Well listen to me my beloved wife: They are bleeding mincing fairies of the island of Lesbos! That is what they are! 

SYBIL: _(annoyed)_   
That is not our business, what they are. We are running a hotel. We are committed to discretion. As long our guest pay their bills and don't bother the other customers… 

BASIL: _(exited)_   
But they do bother the others! 

SYBIL: _(calm)_   
You mean they were bothering you! 

BASIL: _(more exited)_   
NO! They made noises! 

SYBIL: _(sceptic)_   
What for noises? 

BASIL: _(disgusted)_   
You know… that kind of electric noises, those depraved new-age devices make, when those degenerated persons apply on them each other, when they have their fowl ways.   
A *buzzing* noise!   
_(he stands up)_   
RIGHT! I am going to throw those perverts out! 

SYBIL: _(amused)_   
A *buzzing* noise?   
You were eavesdropping again, weren't you? 

BASIL: _(hesitates)_   
Well... uhm… You could hear it through the corridor! 

SYBIL: _(smirks)_   
Especially when you glue your ears to their door. I presume that *buzzing* noise was an alarm clock. 

BASIL:   
Nonsense! 

SYBIL:   
Or an electric toothbrush, or a hair dryer, or a lady-shave… 

BASIL:   
But… 

SYBIL:   
Or a mobile! Only last month, you have accused. Mr. Perkins of having a goat in his room. And it turned out he had a fancy mobile phone tune. 

BASIL:   
But I heard them talk! 

SYBIL:   
You must have misinterpreted them. 

BASIL:   
They were quite clear! 

SYBIL:   
And what about the time when you have accused Mr. Mustafa to be a terrorist? Only because you misunderstand his secret surprise birthday party, that he wanted to give to Mr. Rosenthal. And when the anti-terror brigade stormed our restaurant… well, I never felt so ashamed in my life! 

BASIL:   
But, but… 

SYBIL: _(rants)_   
No more buts! I mean what is wrong with you? Constantly you twist around events to manifest the wildest stories. You always manoeuvre yourself in a fantasy world of hidden sex, crime, incest, terrorism and cannibalism.   
_(Basil tries to open his mouth but Sybil cuts him off)_   
As if destiny itself decided to make you a centre character of a "X-files" - "Playboy"…-"Dr. Who" crossover.   
Look I have got enough!   
_(Again Basil tries to open his mouth but Sybil is faster)_   
I have seen and heard enough!   
Now you grow up and stop accusing whatsoever our guest might be doing, when you don't want to spend the night in the office.   
_(in a motherly tone)_   
Take a cold shower. Get yourself a clean head and come to bed. Say yes dear. 

BASIL: _(mumbles)_   
Yes dear. 

SYBIL: _(she smiles and pats his head)_   
That is a god boy. 

_She walks into the bathroom, while Basil glares behind her back._

BASIL: _(quiet and threatening tone)_   
I will show you.   


_CUT TO:_

INT. WEDDING SUITE – BEDROOM – NIGHT   
_Daria and Jane are in their nightshirts. They are tugged in bed and Jane switches the light off._

JANE: _(tired)_   
Good night Daria. 

DARIA: _(also tired)_   
Good night Jane. 

_Pause._

JANE:   
This reminds me of sharing the same room with Trent, when I was little. 

DARIA:   
Me too… I mean with my sister Quinn, when I was little. I hated that. 

JANE:   
Did you told her bedtime stories? 

DARIA:   
Only the usual stories past from older siblings to younger siblings. Tales about mass murderers, serial killers, torturers and puppy kickers. Not to mention my classic opus about cannibal parents. I had always a vivid imagination about such things. 

JANE:   
Gee, I wished Trent had told me such stories when I was small. 

DARIA:   
What did Trent told you for stories? 

JANE:   
Not many… Most of the time I crawled into his bed. And then he hummed me into sleep, while we hugged each other … 

_Embarrassed silence._

JANE: _(embarrassed)_   
I shouldn't have revealed that. 

DARIA:   
But you did. 

_Awkward pause._

JANE: _(defending herself)_   
…Okay, it may appear like a tiny bit incestuous… But we were both kids and we put an end to it, when he had turned 13 and got his own room… I mean… you surely have cuddled up on Quinn? 

DARIA:   
Eww. That is disgusting. She is my sister. Do you want I get nightmares? 

JANE:   
The answer is a one hundred per cent "No"? 

DARIA:   
Not quite. Once she did cuddle up on me. 

JANE:   
And? 

DARIA:   
I woke up and notice she was in my bed. So I pretended I was still asleep and murmured her name, while I strangled my cushion. She left my bed and was never seen again. 

JANE:   
That just explained a lot of yours and Quinn's psyche. 

DARIA:   
What do you mean by that? 

JANE: _(she turns her back to Daria)_   
You will get the answer in the serenity of dreamland. Nighty-night. 

DARIA:   
Humph. Pleasant dreams. 

Daria turns her back to Jane and both fall asleep.   


_CUT TO:_

INT. BASIL'S AND SYBIL'S PRIVAT BEDROOM – NIGHT   
_Basil and Sybil Fawlty are asleep._

_THE CAMERA PANS TO BASIL:_   
_He visible has got a nightmare._   


_FADE TO:_

NIGHTMARE – INT. FAWTY TOWERS – RECEPTION LOBBY – DAY   
_Two figures are seen from behind. They look like Elton John and Oscar Wilde._

ELTON JOHN LIKE FIGURE: (he sings in the melody of "Can You Feel The Love Tonight")   
At last a hotel, where we can spend the night! 

OSCAR WILDE LIKE FIGURE:   
There is only one thing worse, than searching a room for two people of the same sex, and that is searching it in Torquay. 

_Basil Fawlty enters. He is exactly dressed like John Cleese in the "Find-the-Fish"- sketch of the movie: "Monty Python's Meaning of Life"._

BASIL:   
Welcome to Fawlty *knocking* Towers: The Kamasutra Suite is it?   


_FADE BACK TO:_

INT. BASIL'S AND SYBIL'S PRIVAT BEDROOM – NIGHT   
_Basil Fawlty wakes up and screams._

BASIL:   
AHHHHHHHH!   


_CUT TO:_

INT. WEDDING SUITE – BEDROOM – NIGHT   
_Unaware of the scream. Daria and Jane lie on their backs and are asleep. Suddenly Jane turns towards Daria and stretches out her arms. She cuddles up on her. Resting her head on Daria's bosom._

JANE: _(whispering in her sleep)_   
Hmm, Trent. 

_Daria starts to move too. She puts her hand on Jane's head and pushes her away._

DARIA: _(murmurs in her sleep)_   
Get lost, Quinn. 

_Jane moves away and both turn then their backs to each other._


	5. 5

_NEXT DAY:_

INT. FAWTY TOWERS – DINING ROOM – MORNING   
_Several guest sit on their tables, while Manuel and Polly are serving them. Daria and Jane enter, sit down at an empty table and take a look at the menu card. After Polly has finished dealing with the other guests, she approaches them._

POLLY:   
Good morning. May I take your orders? 

DARIA:   
Good morning. I would like a continental breakfast please. 

JANE:   
Come on Daria! We are in England! We should order a proper English breakfast. 

DARIA:   
Why not? I can do with a heart attack in the morning. 

POLLY: _(smirks)_   
That would be two English breakfast then. Tea or Coffee? 

JANE:   
Just bring the whole program: Tea, coffee, orange juice, toast, spam, cornflakes, porridge, fried eggs, spam, sausages, uhm spam, bacon… spam, tomatoes, spam.. spam, baked beans and spam... 

POLLY: _(writing it up)_   
And a lobster Thermidor au Crevettes with a Mornay sauce served in a Provencal manner with shallots and aubergines garnished with truffle pate, brandy and with a fried egg on top and spam. 

_Jane and Polly smirk at each other._

_AUTHOR'S NOTE:_   
_That just was a little inside joke between "Monty Python" Fans._

DARIA:   
I have just got remembered to check my E-mail. Oh, you have forgotten, that Britain, as a seafaring nation, has made a famous contribution to breakfast: Kippers. 

POLLY:   
Sorry. No kippers, we don't serve them anymore. 

_Basil Fawlty enters the room and witness how Polly is chatting with Daria and Jane. He turn around and walk back into the lobby._   


INT. FAWTY TOWERS – RECEPTION LOBBY – MORNING 

BASIL: _(curses)_   
Those bloody American lesbians. 

_And old man with white hair and moustache, wearing a blazer and a newspaper under his arm, approaches him from behind._

THE MAJOR:   
Morning Fawlty. Lesbians? 

BASIL:   
Eek! 

_The Major is the oldest resident of Fawlty towers. He is a retired Army Officer, who fought in WW2. Further he is a bit senile._

THE MAJOR:   
Lesbians, Fawlty? 

BASIL: _(stammers and nudges)_   
No I mean… I mean les… Lesley… Lassie… The collie… uhm *Les* Miserables… 

THE MAJOR:   
No you just have said lesbians! Are they those two young ladies, who have arrived yesterday? 

BASIL: _(starts to blush)_   
I can explain. Well… no… It is not my fault that we have got Lesbians in our house. Please don't tell anyone! For the sake of the reputation of my hotel! 

THE MAJOR:   
Why Fawlty? We are now in the common market. I mean we have forgiven the Germans. 

BASIL:   
What?!? 

THE MAJOR:   
Oh yeah they are damn chaps, but the Germans and the Lesbians gave us a good fight back in Africa 1943. 

BASIL: _(astonished)_   
Pardon me??? 

THE MAJOR:   
In the war. The Battle of Tobruk. Together with Monty! 

BASIL: _(relieved)_   
Aha! You mean Italians. 

THE MAJOR:   
What? 

BASIL:   
I-ta-li-ans. 

THE MAJOR: _(blushes)_   
What! Italians here! In this hotel! 

BASIL: _(calm)_   
Yes? 

THE MAJOR: _(stammers)_   
Well I don't want to be prejudiced in any way… Well I mean well we ha… ha… had the sexual revolution in the sixties and now… I mean when 2 people love each other then let them be happy. Oh well. Mr. Fawlty. We should be more liberal about those things, so long it is private, it is nobody business. 

_The Mayor trolls off._

BASIL: _(glares behind him)_   
Thick as a boat! 

_Basil turns to the entrance of the kitchen and walks in._   


INT. FAWTY TOWERS – KITCHEN – MORNING   
_While the cook Terry is working at the stove. Sybil just has finished composing two huge English Breakfast trays. Polly grabs one of them and walks into the dining room._

SYBIL:   
Basil, can you help her? It is for the two Americans. 

_He is shocked and tries to exit._

SYBIL: _(threatening)_   
What are you doing Basil? Where are you going? Don't threat them like, Pariahs! They are our customers. Go in and serve the guest. 

_He sights and grab the huge English Breakfast tray and enters the dining room._   


INT. FAWTY TOWERS – DINING ROOM – MORNING   
_He walks in with the tray and approaches slowly the table at which Daria and Jane are sitting._   
_With their backs turned to kitchen, they don't notice him. Daria looks how Jane is eating her breakfast._

DARIA:   
How is your sausage? 

_Fawlty nearly drops the tray and looks at them full of with horror. Then realization draws._

DARIA: _(looks at Jane, how she pulls a face while chewing it)_   
I read that implementing regulations of the European Union: The British Sausage would have to be renamed to "Emulsified High-Fat Offal Tube." 

JANE: _(swallows the bite)_   
Actually it nearly tastes as good like the Lawndale High Tuesday Meatloaf. 

DARIA:   
You mean as bad. 

JANE:   
Exactly. 

_Basil calms down and walks to them._

DARIA:   
Can I drink your juice? 

_Again Fawlty nearly drops the tray. He looks at them in total disgusted horror. Then he sees Daria is holding a glass of orange juice._

JANE:   
Sure help yourself. 

_Basil sights in relief. He makes it to the table._

JANE:   
You also can eat my flakes… 

_Basil is shocked and drops the tray. Luckily it lands on the table, leaving the food intact. Except of some liquid splattered over the table cloth and the floor. He sees how Jane is holding up a small packet of corn flakes._

BASIL: _(exited)_   
Sorry! Sorry! Never mind! My fault. I have misunderstood… NO! I MEAN. Damn hot trays! 

DARIA AND JANE: _(sceptic)_   
Yes. 

_They both look down to see how much was spilled on the floor._

BASIL: _(highly exited)_   
Never mind that mess! I will get Polly to lick the carpet…   
I mean CLEAN, CLEAN THE CARPET! So it is as clean as licked… CLEAN AS A WHISTLE!   
Sterile, aseptic, decontaminated, healthy; pure etc…. Ha, ha, ha.   
Meanwhile you can go on and chew your boxes…   
…   
I mean munch your boxes!   
…   
I mean the CARTONS, packages, cases, containers with those healthy cornflakes… YUMMY! 

_Daria and Jane just stare at him._

BASIL: _(Before he can blush in public, he hurries back into the kitchen.)_   
EXCUSE ME! 

_Beat._

DARIA:   
Do you think he was insinuating something? 

JANE:   
Probably he is on the edge of a nervous breakdown, I should go up and bring the camcorder down. 

_Both start to eat their breakfast._


	6. 6

_MEANWHILE:_

INT. FAWTY TOWERS – BAR – MORNING   
_Mr. Fawlty rushes in and opens at the bar a bottle of hard liquor. He pours it direct into his mouth._   


_SOME TIME LATER:_

_Basil Fawlty sits on the floor behind the bar with an quarter-empty bottle in his right hand. His head is buried in his knees._

_Suddenly he hears the voice of a deep southern cowboy._   


DEEP SOUTHERN COWBOY VOICE OVER:   
Now wait there stranger. A man can run and run for year after year, until he realizes that what he is running from… is himself 

_Basil Fawlty looks up to heaven._

DEEP SOUTHERN COWBOY VOICE OVER:   
A man's got to do what a man's got to do, and there ain't no sense in running. Now you gotta turn, and you gotta fight, and you gotta hold your head up high. 

_Basil Fawlty stands up._

BASIL:   
Yes! 

DEEP SOUTHERN COWBOY VOICE OVER:   
Now you go back in there my son and be a man. 

BASIL:   
Yes I will. I will!. I have been pushed around long enough. This is it! I AM A MAN.   


_CUT TO:_

INT. FAWTY TOWERS – KITCHEN – MORNING   
Sybil is filling glasses with orange juice fresh from the bottle. 

_The door gets open by a very determined Basil Fawlty._

BASIL: _(quick and firm)_   
All right, Sybil! Listen to me! I have decided to throw those two promiscuous American tarts out of my hotel!   
No matter what you think. 

SYBIL: _(Consumed with orange juice filling, so she wasn't paying attention to his previous words.)_   
Hmm, hmm. 

_After finishing the last glass she looks up to him._

SYBIL:   
Basil where were you? There is work in the kitchen to be done…   
_(suspicious)_   
Were you drinking? 

BASIL: _(with all his previously gained self-esteem going down the drain)_   
No, no. I start with the dishes, shall I.   


INT. FAWTY TOWERS – DINING ROOM – MORNING   
_The guest are now leaving one by one, while Polly and Manuel are cleaning up the tables._   
_Daria and Jane have managed to scoffed the entire breakfast, except for one sausage._

DARIA:   
There is still something on your plate. 

JANE:   
No. 

DARIA:   
It's only a tiny little one. 

JANE:   
Look: I couldn't eat another thing. I am absolutely stuffed. One more bite and I am going to end up like Mr. Creosote in that Monty Python movie: "The Meaning of Life." 

DARIA: _(smirks)_   
Perhaps we should order then a bucket? 

JANE: _(glares at her)_   
How did he say… Ah yes: "Bugger off." 

DARIA:   
Speaking of…Don't you think the hotel manager looks a bit like John Cleese? 

_Beat. Then both look at each other_

DARIA AND JANE:   
Nahhh! 

_Polly approaches them._

POLLY:   
John Cleese? We had him as one of our guest a couple of mouths ago. 

JANE: _(amazed)_   
*The* JOHN CLEESE. Wow. 

DARIA: _(dry)_   
You should have made a neon sign in front of the hotel with: "JOHN CLEESE STAYED HERE" 

POLLY:   
We were intending to make one, but the local laws demanded, that neon advertisement should stick with the truth. And "JOHN CLEESE STAYED HERE AND THOUGHT IT WAS AWFUL" wasn't quite sound. 

_Daria and Jane chuckle._

DARIA:   
Really? And did he check out the same day? 

POLLY:   
No. Astonishingly, he even stayed for 2 whole weeks, writing notes all the time. He is a very nice guy, he even bought one of my paintings. 

JANE:   
You are an artist? 

POLLY:   
Yes and you can see how successful I am.   
_(she uses body language to indicate her waitress outfit)_

JANE:   
I would like really to see your works. 

POLLY: _(flattered)_   
Sure. How about this evening? 

JANE:   
That is fine. 

POLLY:   
Is it okay that I can clean up your dishes now? 

DARIA AND JANE:   
Uh-huh 

_They both stand up._

POLLY: _(she starts to clean up)_   
Sorry, but in a half an hour I am going to take the day off, so I can visit the recently discovered Celtic rock formation of Torquay. 

JANE:   
What for a coincidence. We are going there too. My Dad is driving us there. We could give you a ride. 

POLLY:   
Really? Thank you, that would be great.   


_CUT TO:_

INT. FAWTY TOWERS – RECEPTION LOBBY – DAY   
_Basil comes out the kitchen and rushes to the drawing room across the hall. He opens it. Then he notices how Daria and Jane come out the dining room, he turns a blind eye on them and gets inside._

JANE:   
How about a walk? 

DARIA:   
Sure. But we need to go to Scotland, when we want to walk off that breakfast. 

JANE:   
Why not? I always wanted to see the Loch Ness Monster and Sean Connery... not to mention men in skirts. 

_Two old ladies walk down the stairs. They are Miss Gatsby and Miss Tibbs. Like always, they walk hand in hand when they use the stairs._

MS. GATSBY AND MS. TIBBS: _(smiling at them)_   
Good *mor*ning*! 

DARIA AND JANE:   
Good morning! 

_They pass them and walk to the exit, still and hand in hand. On their way out, they meet a man who is about to enter the hotel._

MS. GATSBY AND MS. TIBBS: _(smiling at him)_   
Good *mor*ning*! 

HOTEL CUSTOMER:   
Good morning. 

_Daria and Jane look behind them. Amused by the attitude of the 2 old Ladies, they smirk at each other. Then Jane stretches her out her hand and Daria takes it. Then they walk out in the same manner like Ms. Gatsby and Ms. Tibbs._

DARIA AND JANE: _(smiling at the customer)_   
Good *mor*ning*! 

HOTEL CUSTOMER: _(a bit irritated due this déjà vu)_   
Good mor… ning.   


_In that moment Basil Fawlty comes out the drawing room with a canister of washing-up liquid. When he sees Daria and Jane hand in hand he becomes outraged and lets the canister fall on the floor._   
_He waits until they are gone._

BASIL: _(angry)_   
Right! Now they are doing it in public!!!   
That is the last straw!   
I AM THROWING THEM OUT! 


	7. 7

_He walks back to the drawing room and puts some unused garbage bags in his pocket. Then he goes to the kitchen and opens the door._

BASIL:   
Manuel! Follow me! 

_Manuel comes out the kitchen and follows Mr. Fawlty up the stairs._   


INT. UPSTAIRS CORRIDOR – DAY   
_Basil Fawlty stands in front of room and takes out the garbage bags and the master key. Manuel catches up with him._

BASIL:   
Manuel. Don't let anybody into this room. 

MANUEL: _(with an Spanish accent)_   
Not anybody into this room… Okay… Why so? 

BASIL:   
… Anti Terror Alarm! Arriba! 

MANUEL:   
Anti Terror????!! Si, si, si! 

_Manuel is on guard like a soldier in Iraq._   


_CUT TO:_

EXT. FAWTY TOWERS – ENTRANCE – DAY   
_Vincent Lane just arrives with his car. He sees how Daria and Jane are walking down the Lane._

VINCENT:   
Hey Jane, hey Daria. 

DARIA:   
Hey. 

JANE:   
Hey Dad. Why so early? 

VINCENT:   
It was easier to stay up all night then to wake up early. 

JANE:   
You stayed up all night in your caravan? 

VINCENT:   
Well I tried. If I had been successful I would have arrived an hour earlier. 

JANE:   
Whatever. Won't you mind that we wait some minutes for a friend. We want to give her a ride to Torquay's Stonehenge. 

VINCENT:   
Of course.   


_CUT TO:_

INT. UPSTAIRS CORRIDOR – DAY   
_Manuel still stands guard._

VOICE OVER BASIL: _(from behind the door)_   
Is there anybody? 

MANUEL:   
No. 

_Basil comes out, carrying suitcases and garbage bags filled with the personal belongings of the guests._

_He nearly walks into the Major._   


THE MAJOR:   
Greetings Fawlty. 

BASIL: _(he shrugs then he scowls at Manuel)_   
Manuel, I told you to look out! 

MANUEL: _(with an Spanish accent)_   
I have. This is not anybody, that is *some*body. That is the Mayor. 

BASIL:   
Manuel on a word. 

_He gestures to Manuel to come near him. Manuel does so and he get a knock on his head by Mr. Fawlty._

MANUEL:   
AYE! 

THE MAJOR:   
Fawlty, what are you doing? 

BASIL: _(sarcastic)_   
Nothing special. Just throwing out some guests. 

THE MAJOR:   
Which guests? 

BASIL:   
We previously have chatted about them. 

THE MAJOR:   
The Lesbians!?! Aren't you a bit overreacting? All right they brought us the Mafia, the Casa Nostra and the Fiat. But at least they are not Belgians… 

BASIL: _(rolls his eyes)_   
So much I desire to discuss with you the policies of my hotel. I have got some guest to be evicted. 

THE MAJOR: _(he sights)_   
Well you are the hotel manager. 

_The major trolls off._

BASIL:   
Right. Where was I? 

_He kicks Manuel._

MANUEL:   
Ow! 

_A middle-aged couple arrive at the scene._

MIDDLE-AGED MAN:   
What is going on? 

BASIL:   
Nothing, nothing please don't pay any attention. 

MIDDLE-AGED WOMAN:   
But that is our room! 

_Aghast Basil checks the number of the room door. It was not the room of Daria and Jane._

BASIL:   
Sorry! Sorry! Just a communication problem from… him. 

_He slaps Manuel._

MANUEL: _(in Spanish)_   
Ouch! 

BASIL: _(to the guests)_   
I am deeply sorry. May we offer you a drink on the house and a 10% reduction for the inadequacies cause by this terrible misunderstanding.   
_(he hands them their stuff in the garbage bags)_   
These must be yours!   
Please excuse me now but I am in a hurry. 

_He rushes past them to room 12 on the other side of the corridor and pulls out his master key._   
_The couple shake their heads and Manuel helps them to carry their stuff back into their room._   


_CUT TO:_

EXT. FAWTY TOWERS – ENTRANCE – DAY   
_Daria, Jane and Vincent are waiting outside for Polly. They are talking about Torquay._

VINCENT:   
… Actually the location of this hotel is ideal. Only a ten-minute-walk to the town centre. 

JANE:   
What is actually on in Torquay? 

DARIA:   
Certainly that can be read in one of the worlds shortest books. 

_All chuckle._

VINCENT:   
Good one Daria. 

DARIA: _(unsure)_   
Hmm… uhm… thanks. 

JANE:   
I've suddenly got a déjà vu. 

_While Daria glares at her, Polly arrives._

POLLY:   
Hi, thank you for waiting. 

JANE:   
No sweat Polly. May I introduce you to my father: Vincent Lane. 

_They shake hands._

VINCENT AND POLLY:   
How do you do. 

_They notice that Polly is wearing a huge rain jacket._

DARIA:   
Uh… you took precautions? 

POLLY:   
Didn't you heard the weather forecast? They have predicted a nice English Summer. 

_Daria and Jane look at each other._

JANE:   
We better get our rain coats. 

DARIA.   
We will be back in a minute. 

_They go back into their rooms._   


_CUT TO:_

INT. WEDDING SUITE – BEDROOM – DAY   
_Inside Basil takes out some empty garbage bags and is about to put the personal belongs of Daria and Jane in._   
_When he spots a long beige coloured device with a strange top. He studies it. It is a lady-shave. He picks it up and switches it on._

SOUND OF THE LADY-SHAVE'S ELECTRIC MOTOR:   
BZZZZZZZZZZZZZ   


_CUT TO:_

INT. UPSTAIRS CORRIDOR – DAY   
_Daria and Jane walk up the stairs. They turn around and see that Sybil is going in the same direction._

SYBIL:   
Excuse me, did you see my husband? 

DARIA:   
Fortunately not. 

_They arrive in front of the wedding suite to see how Manuel is blocking their way._

SYBIL:   
Manuel??? There is work in the kitchen to be done! You know that Polly has got her day off. 

MANUEL: _(with an Spanish accent)_   
Orders by Mr. Fawlty: "Anti Terror Alarm". 

JANE:   
In our room? Fascinating! 

SYBIL: _(rolls her eyes)_   
Oh no, not again! 

_Sybil waves Manuel aside and the women walk in._   


_CUT TO:_

INT. WEDDING SUITE – BEDROOM – DAY   
_They catch how is how Basil Fawlty is eavesdropping at a cupboard door._

SOUND OF AN ELECTRIC MOTOR:   
BZZZZZZZZZZZZZ 

_The 3 women are stunned by the bizarre setting._   
_Then Basil Fawlty opens the cupboard door and take the lady-shave out_

SOUND OF THE LADY-SHAVE'S ELECTRIC MOTOR:   
BZZZZZZZZZZZZZ 

_Basil Fawlty switches it off, stares at it, and finally draws a conclusion._

BASIL: _(tensed)_   
I am such a fool.   
_(in relief)_   
I AM SUCH A FOOL!   
_(He smiles and leaps in joy.)_   
They are strai…   
_(he turns around and see Sybil, Daria and Jane staring at him)_   
WAHHH!!! 

_He turns pale and drops with his face on the floor._

SYBIL: _(calm)_   
What are you doing? 

_He jumps on his feet again._

BASIL:   
I can explain… we had this… *bomb* *threat*… and last night I heard a very suspicious noise coming from this bedroom… so I came in to investigate… and it turned out to be only a lady-shave… ha, ha, ha. Would you believe it! 

_He notice how Daria, Jane and Sybil are staring at him with wide eyes._

BASIL:   
Yes? 

SYBIL: _(she walks to him and says calm into his ear)_   
Basil, you have got a lady-shave inside your trousers. 

_He looks down and see a huge bulge in his pants._

BASIL: _(embarrass)_   
Ow! 

_He turns around and tries to pull it out, but then the device switches itself on and starts to cut hair._

SOUND OF THE LADY-SHAVE'S ELECTRIC MOTOR:   
BZZZZZZZZZZZZZ 

_Basil Fawlty pulls a shock face, when he falls again down on the floor._   


_A MINUTE LATER:_

INT. FAWTY TOWERS – RECEPTION LOBBY – DAY   
_Daria and Jane, wearing rain coats, are walking down the stairs._

JANE:   
Now that was a surreal moment. wasn't it? 

DARIA:   
Yes. That only proves my theory, that the United States would be better off when it had been colonized by the French and not the English.   


EXT. FAWTY TOWERS – ENTRANCE – DAY   
_Vincent and Polly are talking with the Major, who has recently joined them. He is wearing a rain jacket and a hat._

THE MAJOR:   
… Certainly that is history. Yes I lived that history, but now we must look to the future. 

VINCENT:   
I agree. Expelling hotel guest due their nationality is a thing from the past. 

THE MAJOR:   
I mean they are human beings like us. And they are talented: Michelangelo. Leonardo Da Vinci, the whole Renaissance and Pasta! 

POLLY:   
I can ensure you that Mrs. Fawlty would never let that happen. 

THE MAJOR:   
Of course! Mrs. Fawlty is more broad-minded. She definitely has got nothing against Lesbians. 

_Vincent and Polly goggle at him with open mouths. Meanwhile Daria and Jane come out from the building._

DARIA AND JANE:   
Hey. 

POLLY:   
Pardon me? What did you said Major? 

THE MAJOR:   
Lesbians! You know, like those two young ladies who are in the wedding suite.   
_(he lifts his hat at Daria and Jane)_   
Mr. Fawlty wanted to throw them out. He is very narrow-minded! 

_He shakes his head and trolls off._

THE MAJOR:   
Cheerio! 

_Vincent and Polly stare behind the Major, then they stare at Daria and Jane, who are now looking horrified at each other._   


  


E N D 

END NOTES:   
If you have any comments than mail me under ace_trax@yahoo.de. 

DISCLAIMER:   
The copyright owner of the TV-Series "Daria" is MTV.   
The copyright owner of the TV-Series "Fawlty Towers" is the BBC.   
I have no connection with the copyright owners and I don't have the legal rights to use their material.   
This fanfiction story was done without authorization, permission or approval by their respective copyright owners. 

AUTHOR'S COPYRIGHT:   
Please note that this fanfiction is a derivative work, so it is protected by copyright law as long as the words and syntax are novel. That means: Me, as the author of this work do not own the pre-existing copyrighted stuff, but I do own the whole rest. That are all the novel words and syntax, which make the story.   
This story is not for profit, it is a work of pure fandom, without any financial interests. Any financial or other uses of this document without the specific permission of the authors (me and the other copyright owners) are forbidden.   
Text Copyright © 2003, 2004 Ace Trax. All rights reserved. 

THANKS AND ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS:   
Thanks to the guys from "Scorched Remnants" for helping me with the Spanish.   
Thanks to Robert Nowall for betareading.   
Thanks to John Cleese and Connie Booth, the creators of "Fawlty Towers". The BEST sitcom of all time   
And of course thanks to the creative minds of MTV, who gave the world the best TV-series of all time: "The Osbournes". 


End file.
